How to talk to an elderly parent about accepting help at home
You can see that Mum or Dad is finding things more difficult.
Perhaps meals are being missed, the house is getting harder to manage or you're worried about them being alone.
The problem is, they don't think they need any help.
It's an incredibly common situation for families.
Talking about care can feel difficult because what you intend as an offer of support may be heard very differently by the person receiving it.
For an older parent, words such as “care” or “help” can sometimes sound like:
You can't manage anymore.
We're taking over.
You're going to lose your independence.
That's why how the conversation happens can be just as important as what you say.
Start before there's a crisis
Where possible, don't wait until something goes badly wrong.
A conversation following a fall, hospital admission or other emergency is inevitably more difficult because everyone is already worried.
If you've begun noticing small changes, it can be easier to start talking about them while your parent still has plenty of opportunity to consider the options.
Choose the right moment
Try not to raise the subject during an argument or when you're rushing out of the door.
Find a calm moment when you can talk properly.
You might begin with something you've noticed rather than announcing what you think needs to happen.
For example:
"I've noticed you're finding the shopping a bit more tiring lately. How are you feeling about it?"
That opens a conversation.
"You need someone to come in and help you" can close one very quickly.
Listen before offering solutions
It's tempting to arrive with an answer.
But first, ask what they are finding difficult.
Their priorities may be completely different from yours.
You might be worried about the housework while they're more concerned about getting to the shops or feeling lonely in the afternoons.
Understanding what matters to them gives you somewhere much better to start.
Talk about independence, not losing it
One of the biggest misconceptions about accepting care at home is that it means giving up independence.
Often, the opposite is true.
A little support can help someone remain independent for longer.
Having help with shopping could mean continuing to cook their own meals.
Support getting out could mean continuing to see friends.
Help with some everyday tasks could make it easier to continue living in the home they love.
Try framing the conversation around what additional support could help your parent keep doing, rather than what they can no longer do.
Start small
Accepting help doesn't have to mean suddenly having someone in the house several times every day.
For some people, the first step might simply be:
- a little companionship
- help with shopping
- support preparing meals
- getting out and about
- help attending appointments
- a regular visit during the week.
Starting with something your parent can see a clear benefit from can make the idea of support feel much less daunting.
Keep them involved
Whenever possible, decisions about care should be made with the person, not for them.
Talk about what kind of support they would find useful.
Ask what times would suit them.
Discuss what's important about their normal routine.
And give them an opportunity to meet or speak to the people who may be supporting them.
Good home care should fit around someone's life – not require their life to fit around the care.
Don't expect one conversation to solve everything
Your parent may simply say no.
That doesn't necessarily mean the conversation has failed.
Sometimes people need time to think about an idea, particularly if accepting help represents a significant change.
Unless there is an immediate safety concern, it can be better to leave the conversation and return to it later rather than turning it into a confrontation.
Make it about the whole family when appropriate
Sometimes accepting some support isn't only about the person receiving it.
If you're doing more and more yourself, it's reasonable to explain that too.
You might say that having someone help with a few things would allow the time you spend together to be more enjoyable rather than every visit becoming about jobs that need doing.
Professional support can complement what families provide rather than replace it.
What if they still won't accept help?
Every situation is different.
If someone has the ability to make their own decisions, their wishes need to be respected – even when family members would choose differently.
However, you can keep the conversation open, continue offering support and seek professional advice if you have concerns about someone's wellbeing or safety.
Sometimes an informal conversation with a care provider can also help you understand the options before you raise the subject again.
A little support can protect independence
Accepting help at home isn't about giving up.
For many people, it is precisely what enables them to continue living the life they want, in their own home, for longer.
At Heydays Care, our support is built around the individual.
That might mean companionship and help getting out and about, practical support around the home or more regular personal care.
You don't need to know exactly what care is required before contacting us.
If you're worried about someone you love and aren't sure where to begin, talk it through with Heydays.
Sometimes a conversation really is the best first step.